And then there was the nonsense of kissing over a tall pile of sweet rolls. Success meant many children. Also, if it rains on the wedding day, many children are guaranteed. I think simple lack of birth control and lust guarantees many children, wedding cake and rain cast aside.

And then the Bride’s Pie appeared from the 17th to the 19th century. It was the focal point of the celebration. This typified the Bride as being the center of attention - Bride, Bridesmaids, Bride Groom, Bridezilla…

And then, well into the 19th century, the wedding cake (of sorts) as we know it today, started evolving. About time.

So what about the “Modern” Cake?

The top tier is supposed to be saved by the newlyweds, and eaten (or vomited) on the first anniversary of their wedding nuptials. If you hire a 20th century quality baker, they will tell you to freeze it for 90 days or less, and then will offer to re-bake ½ it FOR FREE 1 year later. Give ‘em a break, give them at least a 2 week notice….after all, you’ve known for a whole year that your anniversary was coming.

Also in that top tier, (and no-one knows this one)… the first year many times is the hardest. And you thought you were broke. But hidden in that top cake is a silver dollar (provided by your 3x divorced Aunt). Just when you thought you had NO money, Ha Ha, you had a buck in the freezer… And so you weren’t “down to your last dime”. NOPE you still had 90 cents…

Also, because the young couples were like bunnies, the first anniversary came about the time of the christening of the first baby. And so, wah lah, you have instant cake to serve to your guests at the Christening of your first kid.

And why do you cut the cake together at the ceremony? Cuz this is the first task you will do together as Man and Wife. I’m sorry, did I say Man and Wife????? How about Husband and Wife? I thought we were done with that 17th century dominance crap…

What about the Topper / Ornament?

It can be Monograms, Bride and Grooms, Floral Arrangements, …Salt and Pepper Shakers. It can be what ever reflects your wedding dreams, but please, don’t get the goofy bride dragging groom toppers. Very degrading.

And why do you feed each other cake? Because this provides another lovely piece of symbolism, the mutual commitment of bride and groom to provide for each other. It says nothing of putting up with snoring, farting, and coming home drunk.

And so where does the SMASHING, and SMEARING of the cake in each other’s face come in? Hmmm. Let’s see. DIVORCE COURT!!!!!

No, actually, the feeding cake to each other symbolizes the couple’s willingness to share a household. And picking up your clothes, feeding the dog, and putting the toilet seat down.

And what about the Groom’s Cake?

It’s supposed to be a “Southern” tradition. Rumor has it that the wedding cake is traditionally white, but you guys hate white and love chocolate cuz it goes well with beer. And so, usually it’s chocolate. Or lemon. Or Carrot. Or whatever the groom likes. It’s usually over the top, outside the box or in other words, crazy. Which most men are about something, and that something is typified in the groom’s cake. This is a good way, girls, to embarrass your guys. Many times they don’t know about their groom’s cake, and you are spilling their guts in front of everyone that they wouldn’t want to know about their inner secret.

For those sad unfortunate single ladies present at the wedding…who take home a piece of cake and place it under their pillows….do yourself a favor, and watch Pretty Woman, or Top Gun, or Ghost, or even Terminator before you go to sleep cuz whoever you dream about, with that magical piece of cake under that unsuspecting pillow, THAT is the guy you’re gonna marry. Hopefully the male testosterone from those movies will influence you to dream sexy. Maybe successful. That would be nice.

Sometimes, the bride will hide charms in the middle of a tier, with tiny ribbons attached that stick out of the sides, giving the appearance of a fertile egg with many sperm attached. The charms are to be ceremoniously detracted from the cake by the bridesmaids. Whatever charm that bridesmaid pulls will determine her future. So if there is a plane, she will become a pilot. If there is a dog, she will become a veterinarian. If there is a flower, she will become a hippie. A very rewarding tradition.

And then the guests get to dine on cake. “Dine” my foot, it is more like a feeding frenzy. Actually, there is supposed to be a pecking order of who gets cake first (mothers, fathers. Etc). I have never seen this happen. Guests hoard the cake table, climbing over each other, clawing, biting, screaming for a piece of cake.

But, overall, and foremost, the WEDDING CAKE is the glamorous finale of the bride’s planning. It reflects the bride’s heart, her desires, her SELF. And this is a very important thing, SELF. The cake stands before her guests, beautiful, lovely, fragrant of sugar, vanilla, and whipping cream. And it reflects the beauty of the Bride’s heart. And the start of a brand new life of two people madly in love with each other.

Amen